I would add that setting boundaries is an act of love. For yourself, as Sol beautifully and plainly stated it, and also for others. Indeed, if you don’t, you’ll end up being very angry with the person and will probably hurt them with unkind words out of exhaustion that weren’t meant for them but for yourself since you were the one allowing a behavior that didn’t suit you. So, everybody will get hurt in the process. So, boundaries are really an act of love. Thank you so much, Sol, for sharing. Lots of love.
That’s a tough one for me, Sol, since setting boundaries have become so natural for me that I don’t really pay attention to it. Nevertheless, as I am not at ease with big groups of strangers, am not very fond of chitchatting and get bored easily, and so is my husband, after a few disastrous experiences leading to very very long days or evening, I told all my friends and relatives that I loved them but they didn’t have to bother inviting us to anniversaries, birthdays and weddings because we wouldn’t attend them anymore for the reasons stated previously. However, we were still available for intimate parties and dinners. After a moment of surprise, everybody responded very well and now we’re only invited on small events where we can enjoy our friends with ease and lots of fun.
It sounds like you've found a great balance that works for you and your husband, Geraldine, and it's wonderful that your friends and family have been so understanding!
Setting boundaries like that can be tough, but it's great to hear how it’s enhanced your social life, making gatherings more enjoyable and meaningful for you.
Have you found that these smaller events have led to stronger relationships with your friends and family?
Sure, Sol. When I am amongst lots of people, I stay silent in some remote corner, I am really not good at mingling. But when I’m at a dinner with 4 people, for instance, I can be a very talkative and funny person so our exchanges lead to more authentic relationships, because I can really be myself with them and likewise.
I have had to do this with someone I am falling in love with and I believe it may end up being the beginning of our end.
She cannot understand my side of the issue. She only considers it jealousy on my part, but I see it as a constant need for attention on her part. I feel she is like no other person I have ever fallen for before. I also feel I will never have the peace that one deserves with true love.
Because of this, I believe I must at this stage of my life at 67, I must take the high road and walk away. It breaks my heart, but I believe I will be better overall.
Credit, @Bill Wirth. For the courage to be vulnerable and post. For pattern recognition. For the strength to save yourself likely considerably more grief by walking away early. When someone disputes or fails to consider your needs as you express them, at what reads to be early in a relationship, *and* accuses you of feelings (jealousy) that have no basis, they are telling you who they are. You could expect more of the same as time goes on. Been there. Support for the wisdom of your choice as written. There's other good stuff to come. Well, inclusive of the roller coaster of life, I shouldn't get carried away. 😉 💪
I like the story telling, was really a good way to entice the reader in. Fav... "Once you know your limits, communicate them clearly and calmly without apology." Apology is the best part!
Without apology… not apologizing is the best part when your boundaries are clearly defined and iterated. It’s humiliating to apologize for something you have not done or over which you have no control. That just feeds the monster. So tired of this ‘ good people on both sides’ thinking. Nope. There are no good people on the side of a lynch mob. Discernment is needed to suss out the acceptable and the unacceptable.
Naima, I see where you're coming from, and I respect your perspective.
Have you consider, and I believe that sometimes apologizing, even when things are beyond our control, can be a way to show empathy and maintain harmony?
While it's important to have clear boundaries and stand firm, there might be situations where a sincere apology can help bridge divides. Regarding the "good people on both sides" idea, I think discernment is crucial, but it's also important to consider that people can have different reasons and backgrounds influencing their actions.
While we must condemn harmful actions, understanding the complexities of human nature can sometimes offer a path to resolution.
Depends on the person and personality. Neurotypicals can have quirks that in the big picture can be harmless. As you suggest, apologies can create a bridge. Difficult, high conflict personalities or pathologies (dysempathy a prominent trait) irrevocably taint the big picture. Those, in my experience, it's best to avoid. Apologies have a different meaning to those types; it provides a vulnerability to exploit. There are toxic people, a subset of humans. Stats vary; on the low side they are ~5% of the population across cultures. That's a lotta people. Awareness = forewarned is forearmed. The vast majority, I agree, there are avenues for conflict resolution.
I’m confident that I will. Mindfulness helps greatly. Yoga, breath, gratitude, prayer, walks, nature, books, journal, art, friendships, my own creativity, self determination and compassion. Thank you for your kind words.
Not comfortable. Possible bipolarity here. Much unreconciled trauma. I know suffering when I see it! Some shared history but this is a deeply embittered woman living alone in what amounts to a mansion. Her friends have implored me to stay. I cannot and I don’t want an angry breach. Just this tiny exchange here is helping me know, I’m the stronger; I can bite the bullet. I’m not at all explosive and definitely not a doormat. I guess now I sound conceited. Trust me I’m not. I’m playing the long game, knowing when to hold and when to fold - and when to walk away. Thank you. Human nature is as tricky as poker! So much bluff.
I’m in a trap and I don’t want to chew off my paw! My question is this: what if you owe this very difficult and often angry person a great debt, not monetary per se but an exchange, a kind of barter with a start and end date. I have weeks to go but this person keeps pressing for more. Nothing in writing, I offered, she declined. I try to maintain my composure and do my part. You see my difficulty? I don’t mind collaboration but I deeply dislike dependency. I suspect the invitation was a kind of morbid curiosity about my perilous situation. And yes, I have an exit plan but it’s tenuous.
Naima, I’m sorry to hear that. You might consider setting clear verbal boundaries about what you are and are not willing to provide within this barter.
Communicating your limits could help manage the other person’s expectations.
How do you feel about having a frank conversation with this person about your boundaries and the original terms of your agreement?
You don't need to do this with most clients, and typically you can easily adapt to their ways as well pretty easily, but from time to time this sort of thing is necessary.
I would add that setting boundaries is an act of love. For yourself, as Sol beautifully and plainly stated it, and also for others. Indeed, if you don’t, you’ll end up being very angry with the person and will probably hurt them with unkind words out of exhaustion that weren’t meant for them but for yourself since you were the one allowing a behavior that didn’t suit you. So, everybody will get hurt in the process. So, boundaries are really an act of love. Thank you so much, Sol, for sharing. Lots of love.
Geraldine, you've captured the essence of why boundaries are so crucial—both for personal well-being and for maintaining healthy relationships.
If I may ask, what's one boundary you've set recently that's made a significant difference for you?
That’s a tough one for me, Sol, since setting boundaries have become so natural for me that I don’t really pay attention to it. Nevertheless, as I am not at ease with big groups of strangers, am not very fond of chitchatting and get bored easily, and so is my husband, after a few disastrous experiences leading to very very long days or evening, I told all my friends and relatives that I loved them but they didn’t have to bother inviting us to anniversaries, birthdays and weddings because we wouldn’t attend them anymore for the reasons stated previously. However, we were still available for intimate parties and dinners. After a moment of surprise, everybody responded very well and now we’re only invited on small events where we can enjoy our friends with ease and lots of fun.
It sounds like you've found a great balance that works for you and your husband, Geraldine, and it's wonderful that your friends and family have been so understanding!
Setting boundaries like that can be tough, but it's great to hear how it’s enhanced your social life, making gatherings more enjoyable and meaningful for you.
Have you found that these smaller events have led to stronger relationships with your friends and family?
Sure, Sol. When I am amongst lots of people, I stay silent in some remote corner, I am really not good at mingling. But when I’m at a dinner with 4 people, for instance, I can be a very talkative and funny person so our exchanges lead to more authentic relationships, because I can really be myself with them and likewise.
I have had to do this with someone I am falling in love with and I believe it may end up being the beginning of our end.
She cannot understand my side of the issue. She only considers it jealousy on my part, but I see it as a constant need for attention on her part. I feel she is like no other person I have ever fallen for before. I also feel I will never have the peace that one deserves with true love.
Because of this, I believe I must at this stage of my life at 67, I must take the high road and walk away. It breaks my heart, but I believe I will be better overall.
I admire your courage Bill. You must take the high road, for your future-self.
Credit, @Bill Wirth. For the courage to be vulnerable and post. For pattern recognition. For the strength to save yourself likely considerably more grief by walking away early. When someone disputes or fails to consider your needs as you express them, at what reads to be early in a relationship, *and* accuses you of feelings (jealousy) that have no basis, they are telling you who they are. You could expect more of the same as time goes on. Been there. Support for the wisdom of your choice as written. There's other good stuff to come. Well, inclusive of the roller coaster of life, I shouldn't get carried away. 😉 💪
Thank you for your kind words of support. It’s nice to hear words of support for my choice.
You got it, Bill 🧡
So very true. Love this.
Thank you Karen. Appreciate you for reading—which part was your favourite?
I like the story telling, was really a good way to entice the reader in. Fav... "Once you know your limits, communicate them clearly and calmly without apology." Apology is the best part!
Indeed it is 🧡
Without apology… not apologizing is the best part when your boundaries are clearly defined and iterated. It’s humiliating to apologize for something you have not done or over which you have no control. That just feeds the monster. So tired of this ‘ good people on both sides’ thinking. Nope. There are no good people on the side of a lynch mob. Discernment is needed to suss out the acceptable and the unacceptable.
Naima, I see where you're coming from, and I respect your perspective.
Have you consider, and I believe that sometimes apologizing, even when things are beyond our control, can be a way to show empathy and maintain harmony?
While it's important to have clear boundaries and stand firm, there might be situations where a sincere apology can help bridge divides. Regarding the "good people on both sides" idea, I think discernment is crucial, but it's also important to consider that people can have different reasons and backgrounds influencing their actions.
While we must condemn harmful actions, understanding the complexities of human nature can sometimes offer a path to resolution.
Depends on the person and personality. Neurotypicals can have quirks that in the big picture can be harmless. As you suggest, apologies can create a bridge. Difficult, high conflict personalities or pathologies (dysempathy a prominent trait) irrevocably taint the big picture. Those, in my experience, it's best to avoid. Apologies have a different meaning to those types; it provides a vulnerability to exploit. There are toxic people, a subset of humans. Stats vary; on the low side they are ~5% of the population across cultures. That's a lotta people. Awareness = forewarned is forearmed. The vast majority, I agree, there are avenues for conflict resolution.
I’m confident that I will. Mindfulness helps greatly. Yoga, breath, gratitude, prayer, walks, nature, books, journal, art, friendships, my own creativity, self determination and compassion. Thank you for your kind words.
You’re welcome, Naima 🤍
Not comfortable. Possible bipolarity here. Much unreconciled trauma. I know suffering when I see it! Some shared history but this is a deeply embittered woman living alone in what amounts to a mansion. Her friends have implored me to stay. I cannot and I don’t want an angry breach. Just this tiny exchange here is helping me know, I’m the stronger; I can bite the bullet. I’m not at all explosive and definitely not a doormat. I guess now I sound conceited. Trust me I’m not. I’m playing the long game, knowing when to hold and when to fold - and when to walk away. Thank you. Human nature is as tricky as poker! So much bluff.
Indeed Naima. Human nature can be as tricky as poker. I hope you get through this 🤍
I’m in a trap and I don’t want to chew off my paw! My question is this: what if you owe this very difficult and often angry person a great debt, not monetary per se but an exchange, a kind of barter with a start and end date. I have weeks to go but this person keeps pressing for more. Nothing in writing, I offered, she declined. I try to maintain my composure and do my part. You see my difficulty? I don’t mind collaboration but I deeply dislike dependency. I suspect the invitation was a kind of morbid curiosity about my perilous situation. And yes, I have an exit plan but it’s tenuous.
Naima, I’m sorry to hear that. You might consider setting clear verbal boundaries about what you are and are not willing to provide within this barter.
Communicating your limits could help manage the other person’s expectations.
How do you feel about having a frank conversation with this person about your boundaries and the original terms of your agreement?
Just what I needed to read today
Husun, glad I could help 😊
You don't need to do this with most clients, and typically you can easily adapt to their ways as well pretty easily, but from time to time this sort of thing is necessary.
Thank you.
You’re welcome Ana :)
Cem2rjrjkEhr hbebbnrdb
5eay
Prz2ewewxRue uorooaeqo
5rnl
Thanks Bethel 🧡